Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Oh, man, it has been a little while...


Mustache March

March Madness

In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb

March
 

It has been a pretty busy month, with ups and downs.  Miles was in his brace for the first part of the month, but when we went to follow-up on the brace (1 month later) he had lost some of the correction in his right foot, so he has gone back to casts for the past few weeks.  We’re kind of bummed about that, but it’s better to do it right NOW then to try and fix it when he’s older and his soft tissues aren’t as soft and he may need surgery.  Because he has arthogryposis in his hands, it means his feet are a little more complex than someone born with just club feet and no other congenital deformities, which means he’s more likely to have trouble taking correction.  His muscles want to pull him back to the position his feet were in when he was born.  Back to casts, which means no exercises, sponge baths, no socks, no need for footless pajamas, we’re more used to this.  There’s good things and bad things.  I do miss the real baths, I think he does, too.  But it’s really a short time, and we’re grateful he’s getting the right care, and that they care so much that he gets nice feet.

We weren’t super thrilled with his doctor who is treating his club feet.  She is kind of rushed all the time, and quick to make assessments, sometimes without even taking his PT’s opinion into consideration.  She’s started talking about doing another tenotomy, which is the surgery where they cut his Achilles, which he already had.  We had heard about another doctor in the area was the best, and had tried to get in with her originally, but she wasn’t able to fit him in within two weeks of birth, which gives you the most chance of success, so we went to the one we’ve been seeing since his first appointment.  There was a lot of things that we thought could be better, and hey, we’re paying for this, so we might as well try and get the best care possible, so we switched to the one who is supposed to be the best.  There are a few subtle differences, and some not so subtle, that just make me feel a lot more comfortable.  I just felt like it was a little haphazard before.  This new doctor is a lot better and she is also a hand specialist, which is awesome.  The course of events may be the same with this doctor as it would have been with the other one, but I just feel better knowing we did all we can, and I’d rather go to the doctor who seems to be more precise, takes her time, and is willing to answer all your questions.  She also tolerates baby’s crying a lot better, which is a good attribute to have in that profession.  She also uses less padding underneath the casting material so she has more control over the position of the foot. 
 

He continues to see an Occupation Therapist/Hand Specialist for his hands, which are looking beautiful, and has started seeing a Physical Therapist for his gross motor skills.  I really like his OT and PT, they have been awesome, and we’re seeing lots of good things with his development.
Watching "Duck Dynasty" with Dad on a snowy day
 

He’s started clasping his hands together at midline, and he’s getting them into his mouth more.  He’s started to grab onto things and holds them for a little while.  He has a lot more control over where his hands are going.  When his casts are off he likes to touch his knees and he’s rolling onto his sides.  He’s getting better at “tummy time,” and spends more time than he did before.  Usually tummy time ends because he’s frustrated with trying to get his hands into his mouth.  His motor skills are about a 3 month old level (he’s 4 ½ months).
Playing cards with Grandma
 

 He is talking up a storm, and has discovered shrieking this week.  You would think he’s upset by listening to him, but then you look at his face and you can tell he’s enjoying listening to himself.  Especially when he’s around people that are talking, he wants to join in, too.  He’s also started sticking his tongue out when he cries, what a weirdo J.  He is getting a little personality and we’re getting to know him a lot better.  He loves to look at himself in the mirror.  Sometimes he smiles at himself and quickly looks away, so I turn around and he’ll repeat it, it’s super cute. 
Pre-Walk

Post-Walk

It's nice to look back and realize how far we've come.  I loved him then and I love him now.  We want to give him the best opportunities we can.  Love you, Miles!
 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Self Worth

I have been struggling this week, and didn't really know why. It felt like a lot of the things I had struggled with before (with PPD) were coming back.

I was starting to realize, "I don't like myself." I thought all my attributes were either negative or part of post-partum depression and therefore: negative. Every time I went to do something I was telling myself, "You're just doing that because of (blank)," and really discounting everything about myself. I don't know when that started but it was getting bad.

Last night after we said prayers I realized something. Probably the Spirit whispered it to me, because I really don't think I could've come up with this on my own. If I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, then I love everything about Them. I love everything They do and are. I love all of their creations, and that includes ME. This was a total "AHA!" moment for me. I need to love myself because He created me, and He doesn't make mistakes. He made me hard-working, slightly neurotic, prone-to-worry, incredibly driven, unable to sit still unless I'm being productive, perfectionist, ADHD when I clean, obsessive-compulsive about what Miles eats, how much he eats, when he eats, someone who actually loves running, and is always thinking about how to use her time. Some of these strengths can be taken to a fault, but they can also be used in positive ways, and He wants me to. He knows I am capable of great things. He knows I can handle the challenges ahead of me. He sent me James because He knows who I am and who James is. He doesn't need everyone to be the same. It is our differences that make us so good together. This was very enlightening to me, and I'm writing it down so I don't forget it. Because I might. It makes so much sense when I read it back to myself but it really has taken me a long time to figure this out. I'm so grateful to the Spirit for whispering these truths to me.

I always learn a lesson like this and think that's all I will ever need to know, but I'm starting to know better. This is one lesson. Another one is coming. I'm grateful my Heavenly Father wants to teach me. I hope I can be ever-more teachable. I hope the lessons I learn can somehow be passed on to my children, and to those within my sphere of influence.  

AND a baby picture for good measure!
(Almost 2 months old)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Post-Partum Depression-The Good Stuff about it

I have been waiting, waiting, waiting to write about this because, partly because I've been waiting to get my act together with managing a newborn and haven't had the time, but also because I didn't feel like I could express it well.  I still don't know if I can, but I'm going to give it a good college try.  I don't want this to be too personal or melodramatic, so if you were worried about that, keep reading.  This is probably going to benefit me to write all this down more than anyone else.


 
First let me say (mainly to Tom Cruise):  Post-partum depression (PPD) is real.  Depression is real.  Particularly to the person going through it.  Whether it is biological, environmental, or both it is very real and can be very scary.  It becomes less and less real and less and less frightening as time goes by, and as I got more and more help.  It came very quickly after Miles was born, and was pretty intense, so I started asking for help right away. 
 
Psychotherapy has been very helpful, not because I "talk about my feelings," which is what I thought was all it was, but because my counselor has given me so many SKILLS for dealing with depression and anxiety.  The skills are what help.  They are skills that are helpful for life, for being happy, not just when dealing with some form of depression.  I would encourage anyone that feels like they could use this kind of help to pursue it because I'm so glad I did.  Also, Zoloft works.  It takes a while, which was hard, about 4 weeks before I really felt anything, but it has been helpful and I'm glad I got this kind of help. 
 
A lot of people are apologetic towards us about Miles, or feel bad that we have to go through something hard like this.  And while I appreciate their empathy and sympathy, the difficulties of having him casted and everything surrounding that are nothing compared to PPD.  That to me, was so much harder, and I believe, a preparation for helping Miles. 
 
 
 
 
First of all, we waited and wanted a baby for about 2 1/2 years (I know a lot of people wait longer or never see this dream fulfilled) so we were so grateful for Miles.  The night he was born and we knew he had some deformities, James and I talked before we went to bed (or like, didn't, because it's our first night with a newborn baby).  We both felt that Heavenly Father wanted us to have him, that he was trusting us with someone who needed a little extra care and compassion.  We are so grateful to have him.  He is exactly what we wanted.  I feel oddly proud to have a son with some special needs.  We don't know exactly what the future holds for Miles.  Most likely his feet will be corrected, but there are really no promises with his hands.  It's pretty experimental.  We don't think he has any mental disabilities but that's a possibility.  The doctors would say he's "syndromic," because it's both hands and feet, but I would be surprised, based on his development so far, if he had mental disabilities.  He is cooing and smiling at us, tracking things as they move side-to-side, moving his arms and legs and doing normal baby things. 
 

I know Heavenly Father allowed me to go through PPD because He wanted me to develop the strength that comes through adversity.  It's something I've been starting to figure out over the last 8 weeks, but it became very clear to me this morning as I played with Miles.  I put him on his tummy for "tummy time" and he started to fuss and cry a little, but was also starting to calm himself down. The thought came to my mind, "I wonder if he will eventually start to realize that I'm not intervening because I know it's good for him." And it made me realize that Heavenly Father probably thinks the same thing ALL THE TIME. We go through trials and they are difficult and we just want to cry and fuss and we even sometimes demand, "TURN ME OVER!" but He doesn't because He knows what's good for us.  And if you question if He knows what's good for you, it will just take you longer to overcome the trial.  It is not until we can calm ourself (with help from His Spirit and His words which we must seek out) that He is able to intervene, or know that He can let us endure it a bit longer or let the trial run it's course. He doesn't usually take our trials away while we are fussing and crying.  And He doesn't take them away if they are going to make us better.  And He doesn't give us more than we can endure.  

I am grateful for this trial for the strength it has given me.  Miles needs a mother with compassion for pain and struggle.  He needs a mother who knows her strength.  I should say parents, because James had to go through all of this, too.  I've learned that happiness is a choice.  I've learned that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.  I've learned to rely on and trust my Heavenly Father much more than I did before.  I've learned to appreciate the Savior and Atonement much more.  My scripture study and prayers are much more meaningful.  Although therapy and medication have helped, what got me through the darkest days was my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and my wonderful, wonderful husband and my beautiful, beautiful son.  I'm so glad Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. 

    
 
 


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Miles' Blessing Day


Miles was blessed this past Sunday, December 23rd.  I took the picture above before church.  LOVE IT!  James is such a good dad.  One of my favorite things in the whole world is watching him interact with Miles.  Nothing better!  It was a beautiful blessing.  Some of the things that stood out to me are that he will serve in the church and serve a mission, that Heavenly Father is aware of his physical difficulties and that they won't hold him back, and that he will be influenced for good by the testimony of his parents and grandparents. 


(from left)  Bishop Doxey, Cody Taylor, Jeff Kirk, Keith Neumann, James and James Miles, Reed Haight, Beau Finch and Tom Bateman

The Mathatas Family

(from left)  Ernie Schippman, Jennifer Bateman, Laura Kirk, Susan Bateman, Jeff Kirk, Mike Bateman, Jim Scott, Tom Bateman, Joan Scott
James' dad and stepmom were able to come for Christmas and were there for the blessing.  My parents came from Parker.  Laura and Jeff came from southeast Aurora and Jen and Ernie came from Chicago. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

1 Month Old?!


 I can't believe Miles is one month old already!  He had a check-up today and he's doing good.  It's a little hard to tell accurately how heavy and how tall he is.  He's still a small guy, but he's growing and reaching the milestones for his age.  So tonight I put him on his stomach, and I know his casts give him leverage, but he turned over onto his back on his own.  Ahh! 

 
The OT/Hand Specialist at Children's Hospital said kids that have distal arthrogryposis end up being really smart because they have to start using their problem-solving skills early to learn how to get around.  She said to watch out because he will get into trouble really fast because of that.  Way to use your problem-solving skills turning over, Miles!

 
I went ahead and indulged myself in a faux-hawk. 
 
At the doctor today I asked her if it was normal for his pupils to dilate a lot when he's eating and looking at me and she said that is an expression of affection.  Aww.  Love that little guy!  He is so cute, I love kissing his chubby cheeks!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Big Fat Baby Post

Introducing James Miles Mathatas, born November 13, 2012 at 2:34, weighing in at 6 lbs, 4 oz., 18.5 inches.

How can you not love that face?


It's only been a few weeks, he looks so tiny in this picture to me.



Glad we got a picture before we started casting.


 
Since then he has grown to 7.5 lbs.  Miles was born with club feet and bilateral adducted thumbs.  We hadn't been able to see it in the ultrasound so we were surprised.  The night he was born James and I talked and realized we both knew Heavenly Father sent Miles to us because He knew we would love him and take good care of him.  We are proud and privileged to be his parents. 
 
We started the casting process for his club feet on November 26th, the day before he turned 2 weeks old.  The chances of success are much better if you start before they turn 2 weeks old.  He did great with his first set of casts!  They didn't even seem to phase him.  He will get a new set each Monday and they will position his feet a little differently each time.  After 6-8 weeks of casting, they will cut his achilles and position the feet properly.  Then he will have a brace that he will wear morning and night and the achilles will reform.  By the time he's crawling and walking, he'll only have to wear the brace at night.  We feel so blessed to have such great doctors and to live only 10 minutes away from Children's Hospital, where we will be going every week.  The staff is awesome and just seems to know exactly what they're doing.  This method of treating club feet is much less invasive and painful than how they used to treat them, which was extensive surgery later on in life.  Our Dr's say he won't believe us when we tell him he was born with club feet, we'll have to show him pictures. 
 
Week 1 of casts-"Sugar water on my binky?  Don't mind if I do!"
 
 
Yesterday, December 3rd, was his second set of feet casts and we also went to see the hand specialists.  For whatever reason, Miles hyperflexes his hands.  I thought they were going to tell us there was nothing they could do about it, or that he'll grow out of it, but the treatment is also casts for this.  They asked us if we wanted to cast his hands, too.  We said, "Is it the sooner the better, like the feet?"  They said, "Yes, but he'll have both casted at the same time."  It was a little harder to say yes this time, but we know he will appreciate what we did for him later.  The hand casts are softer.  He didn't really like them as much as the feet casts, but he seems to be doing much better today.  The hardest thing for me was that he holds onto my thumb while I'm feeding him and I thought those days might be over for a while, but he still can!  Makes me so happy!  The hand casts are smaller than we were picturing.  He is an amazing little boy.  Again, I'm amazed by the staff at Children's Hospital, so awesome!  We'll go back each week for another set of hand casts.  And there are lots of color choices!  White for his blessing day, though. 

 
I feel so blessed to be his mother.  I'm going to write his birth story eventually, but not tonight. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

What 40 Weeks Looks Like

Natural Labor Inducing Techniques attempted:
Walking (religiously)
Walking with one foot on the curb, one on the street
Spicy Food
Mexican Food
Walking
Multiple Pressure Points
Pregnancy Ball Exercises
Sex
Starting a Novel
Finishing a Novel
"Nesting"
Cleaning the bathroom (including scrubbing the tub)
Walking

8 weeks


20 weeks
40 weeks
Natural Labor Inducing Methods not yet tried
Spicier food
Driving over railroad tracks
Jumping Jacks
Evening Primrose Oil
Caster Oil
Raspberry Tea
Acupuncture