Saturday, February 9, 2013

Self Worth

I have been struggling this week, and didn't really know why. It felt like a lot of the things I had struggled with before (with PPD) were coming back.

I was starting to realize, "I don't like myself." I thought all my attributes were either negative or part of post-partum depression and therefore: negative. Every time I went to do something I was telling myself, "You're just doing that because of (blank)," and really discounting everything about myself. I don't know when that started but it was getting bad.

Last night after we said prayers I realized something. Probably the Spirit whispered it to me, because I really don't think I could've come up with this on my own. If I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, then I love everything about Them. I love everything They do and are. I love all of their creations, and that includes ME. This was a total "AHA!" moment for me. I need to love myself because He created me, and He doesn't make mistakes. He made me hard-working, slightly neurotic, prone-to-worry, incredibly driven, unable to sit still unless I'm being productive, perfectionist, ADHD when I clean, obsessive-compulsive about what Miles eats, how much he eats, when he eats, someone who actually loves running, and is always thinking about how to use her time. Some of these strengths can be taken to a fault, but they can also be used in positive ways, and He wants me to. He knows I am capable of great things. He knows I can handle the challenges ahead of me. He sent me James because He knows who I am and who James is. He doesn't need everyone to be the same. It is our differences that make us so good together. This was very enlightening to me, and I'm writing it down so I don't forget it. Because I might. It makes so much sense when I read it back to myself but it really has taken me a long time to figure this out. I'm so grateful to the Spirit for whispering these truths to me.

I always learn a lesson like this and think that's all I will ever need to know, but I'm starting to know better. This is one lesson. Another one is coming. I'm grateful my Heavenly Father wants to teach me. I hope I can be ever-more teachable. I hope the lessons I learn can somehow be passed on to my children, and to those within my sphere of influence.  

AND a baby picture for good measure!
(Almost 2 months old)